Sigh. I’m at the point now where I’m getting frustrated and dismayed. I know I’ve had a bit of a whirlwind couple of months, but I still feel pretty defeated. Over the summer, I watched my mom go to St. John, go to Wildwood, go to Rochester, and go to Florida, and still lose weight … its inspiring, no doubt, but obviously something I need to work on a little more.
I also have to admit that I have yet to actually count a POINT. Part of me really doesn’t want to. I hate having to write everything down, one of the things that drives me nuts about weight loss is that sudden separation between me and all of the normal people (not that I’m particularly normal, but I’d like to be normal in SOME respects, thank you very much). I look around at work and I see people going out to lunch all of the time. I don’t, because I know I can’t. I look around and see them bringing in enormous leftovers from dinner every day. I bring in small ones because I worry about eating too much. The one thing that sort of keeps me feeling like a regular person is the fact that I don’t have to obsessively log every damn thing that goes into my mouth, but quite obviously I do need to, and that frustrates me to no end. The whole reason I have been avoiding Weight Watchers in the first place was because I didn’t want to have to write. I don’t have a problem weighing my food (though I haven’t been doing that either – my scale’s been busted for a few months, and I refuse to buy a new one until they take a look at the old one, and I just haven’t sent it in yet … part laziness, part difficulty in trying to drag a two year old to the post office), I do have a problem obsessing over it. Writing and POINTs-counting in general starts to put me in that obsessive place I was trying to avoid. I spend 90% of my day running my food selections through my head, counting the POINTs over and over, unable to concentrate on much else. I spent two years doing that ages ago, and was pretty miserable. Hopefully, I can find a happy medium somewhere, because I’m starting to think that’s my only hope.